Mom Requirements: Ain't nobody got time for those.

A friend and member of the venerable #fivekidsclub recently shared this meme on facebook:

I LOL'd because it was so true. By the time you are outnumbered by kids 3 and 4, you tend to let the little things (phonics, quinoa intake) slide, and concentrate more on the bigger picture. You know, stuff like keeping your kid alive in parking lots and making sure they have shoes on before they board the school bus. So in support of all the other disorganized larger family moms like me who stopped giving a shit two kids ago, who shamelessly fly through the Dunkin Donuts drivethrough at 8:29 am on a school day to get their kids breakfast and lunch because they were too disorganized to go grocery shopping that week, who put on sunglasses at the park to avoid talking to people while their kids play, who are plain tired of doing "mom homework" required by their kids' schools-- I've compiled a top eleven (not concise enough for 10) list of the Mom Requirements I no longer have time for as a member of the #fourkidsclub.


1) Going to playgroups 
These types of forced social outings are kind of like dating for moms. But with nine + years of stay at home momming under my belt, I feel like I'm already "married" to the good handful of wonderful people (mom and non-mom) that I have the privilege of calling my friends. Yes, it's a wonderful thing to find a group of like minded ladies when you're just starting out. Many of my first mom friends have remained my closest friends, and even the ones I only keep up with on facebook will always have a special place in my heart. I am grateful for all the coffee hours spent making small talk about nap schedules with my first mom friends, during those long sleep-deprived days when the only alternative was sitting at home watching the View. But now that I have school age kids with dumb extracurricular activities and the faintest glimmer of my non-mom identity beginning to reemerge, sitting around with a new batch of 25 year olds talking about how early their precious tot hit his milestones is pretty much at the bottom of my list.

2) Judgement
My kids ate Cocoa Krispies for breakfast this morning. THERE. I SAID IT. As I type this, my son is eating a Lunchable at preschool (my daughter won't let me pack them for her anymore, because her tablemates make a point to read the ingredient list out loud). My kid wore a pair of cheap Paw Patrol shoes from Target all schoolyear until they were literally deteriorating and his toes were poking through. We let the girls fall asleep in our bed last night because of a sudden, irrational fear of wolves hatching from eggs in the backyard. I let my kids walk to and from the bus stop alone (Unless Nicole gives them a ride, of course). I pretty much never take my kids to the doctor unless it's for a well child visit. If I had one of those controversial toddler leashes, I would absolutely use it in public without batting an eyelash. My parenting style is essentially the sum of instinct and trial- and-error (sorry, firstborn). Go ahead, judge away. I'm over it.

3) Pressure to identify with a tribe
Because I'm a millennial and like over analyzing and assigning labels to things, everything I read tells me that I have to subscribe to one particular style of parenting. And there are so many to choose from! I've been told to be a 1970s parent, a submarine parent, an attachment parent, and most recently a "let them bleed" parent. Truthfully, I don't usually read these articles as I'm scrolling on through, avoiding my actual life. I think when it comes down to it, we all parent the way we find the most natural for us- which is probably partially derived from the way we were parented, and partially due to the values we uphold in our own family units. And I think that's great. I breastfeed my babies exclusively until they're six months and don't ween completely until after 1, but I can't stand having them sleep in my bed. Babywearing can be convenient, but it hurts my back. I totally admire anyone who commits to cloth diapering (unless you use those disposable inserts of course, then you're a cheater) but I hate doing laundry way to much to attempt that. I love when my kids play outside, with each other, using their imaginations. When I take them to the park I DON'T hover or even look in their general direction unless there are tears.  And finally, I think amber teething necklaces are just silly (albeit super cute!). But we're all in this together working towards the same goal; raising decent human beings. The details of the journey are up to us.  I'll try not to snicker at you at the library when you're hovering over your child and narrating their play if you promise not to shoot me sanctimonious looks as I hide in the corner scrolling through my phone while my 1 year old wanders around with skinned knees. Live and let live!


4) Stupid fake holidays
I feel like March is chock full of them. Right at the end of the winter when we are about to all die of seasonal affective disorder, we apparently have no other choice but to celebrate stupid shit that doesn't exist. My kindergartner came home from school on March 17th whining that she was the only kid in her class who didn't make a "leprechaun trap" or receive gold coins/ candy/ gifts from the leprechaun. WTF? It's bad enough that a few Cadburry eggs aren't good enough on Easter (the iPod touch is the new chocolate bunny around here) but do they seriously expect presents for every holiday now? What asshole parents are enabling this? Green toilet water for Leprechaun pee? That's going too far, my friends. My kids will celebrate St. Patrick's Day like any other good part- Irish children by disgustedly pushing their corned beef and cabbage around in their plates for an hour at dinner. And don't even get me started on "Dr. Seuss Day" and "Pi Day" (although admittedly I appreciate any lame excuse to have sweets).  I get it, our lives are miserable and we have to keep celebrating nonexistent things in order to avoid slipping into (heaven forbid) a routine! But how do we expect our sweet little angels to handle the mundane reality of normal, adult life if they expect every day to be a celebration? And furthermore, how do we expect them to get through an entire week without us buying them something extra?!?

5) Feeling guilty about everything
Speaking of silly made up holidays, the ones at the top of the list are PTO created holidays (no offense, PTO friends- I LOVE YOU). Crazy hair day and team spirit day and dress like a ___ day are fun ideas in theory, but when you are the mom that has to make it happen by rummaging through piles of unfolded laundry for one particular article of clothing after your kids remind you about it at the last possible second, it kind of loses it's appeal. However, last week was the ever so important but arbitrary "teacher appreciation week". The kids were supposed to do a different thing (wear your teacher's favorite color,  bring in a piece of fruit etc) every day to show their teacher gratitude. My kids didn't do one thing...for no good reason other than I FORGOT. It just wasn't on my radar. Don't get me wrong, I have deep respect for all teachers, who do a job I wouldn't dare attempt, and should earn about 3 times as much as they are actually paid. So, I guiltily took my kids to Silver Dahlia to get their teachers a nice gift...a week and a half late. But if I were a teacher I would soooo rather get a nice apologetic piece of jewelry than some fruit or half-assed scribbled card. This is when I play my four kids card, but lets face it, I still wouldn't remember things like this even if I only had one child.

I'm also totally over feeling guilty about the grossly disproportionate amount of attention given to my firstborn vs. the rest of her siblings. My youngest has spent the majority of his life following and keeping up with his pack of siblings, as opposed to the hours of one on one time I spent with my eldest reading and doing child-guided learning and other very educational things. I like to tell myself that my younger three are getting a different experience then she did, and that it is just as valuable in a different way. So what if Fiona was reading and writing by her third birthday, and almost 4 year Brendan can't recognize the letter B or hold a pencil? They all have different strengths and weaknesses, and will get there in their own time. Also, birth order is really interesting stuff.


6)Unwelcome parenting advice, fads and trends
The other day, my MIL showed me a thoughtfully clipped NY Times article on why swaddling newborns increases the risk of SIDS (the takeaway: don't put your baby down on it's stomach with a blanket over it's face, but that's clearly not her interpretation). That's great advice, and it's always a good idea to warn people with NO COMMON SENSE against doing obvious things that put their kids in danger. However, given the choice between a decent night's sleep and getting up every five minutes to tend to a crying, flailing baby that can't burp, I'll take the first choice and accept the fact that my baby is going to be in bed with me sucking on my boob all night for the first four months. I'm also going to swaddle them as tightly as possible with velcro sleep sacks, which are quite possibly the best baby invention since the Boppy. Sometimes, survival is more important that doing all the "right" things the experts recommend- especially when the advice changes so frequently. Certainly you can find an article on the internet warning us of the dangers of any parenting practice that exists- but assuming we all have a decent amount of brains and common sense, we parents ARE the experts when taking care of our own children. When I had my first baby nine years ago, she wasn't supposed to go near a peanut until she was two. Now I heard it was recommended that new moms rub peanut butter on their babies to desensitize them, magically decreasing their risk of allergic reaction.. And strawberries and eggs were big no-nos five years ago- all foods my kids were gumming long before they had teeth. And now I'm supposed to have my child rear facing in the car for how long? I stopped keeping up with most of this stuff after the second kid. My strategy is clearly to be a parent of small children long enough for the pendulum to swing the other way again. See? We've all been doing it right all along.

7) Pinterest
Since most of the time I refuse to admit or accept the fact that I am a millennial, I never look at Pinterest. Ever. Once I tried to log in, and I got a weird computer virus, so obviously it was never meant to happen for me. Sure, I do some creative stuff with my kids. I like making Halloween costumes and birthday shirts with fabric paint- but I'm no show-off overachiever, and I also know when to leave well enough alone.


8) Saying yes when I mean NO
It's like that Meghan Trainor song that makes my ears bleed. Only my version would be "PTO- No. Sign kids up for sports- No. Babysit annoying kid- No. School fundraiser- No. Buy me a toy, Mom- No. Cheeseballs for dinner?- No." I wish it all played out in real life like that, but alas my innate desire to please everyone (then drop the ball) wins out again and again. Perhaps someday I will learn to take my own advice.


9) Watching Children's Television.
I've sworn off this one since the early days of Sprout marathons featuring Super Why and that bald bastard Caillou. Let's call the TV what it is; a short-term babysitter so you can get shit done without hearing whining and going crazy.

10) Letting the kids dictate my schedule
And I don't mean Moms Club and baby play group, because those things are clearly for US. I'm talking about dropping everything we have planned for the day because our kids insist they have to go somewhere special, or are having a tantrum at the thought of a day running errands with mom. Sure, I shudder at the thought of dragging my two whiny, squirmy boys through the grocery store every week, but having food in the house is more important than a trip to the trampoline park, so that's the way it has to be. Today was a really pretty day, so I strapped both of my sons down in the stroller against their will and took a long walk by myself and met a friend for coffee. And guess what, they survived! I even stopped at the park so my son could do monkey bars. I'm such a nice mom!

11) Too many toys.
They're like bacteria. I don't buy them, but somehow they multiply. The other day I threw out three giant black trash bags of toys from the kids' playroom, but today, it looks like they magically regenerated and nothing changed. I can't deal with stepping on legos, or tripping over dolls and tiny little trucks. And if it makes noise, forget about it. Yeah, I'm over toys- at least until my kids can get their shit together enough to put them away at the end of the day. When in doubt, throw it out.


And there you have it. Now that I've clarified the things I don't have time for anymore, my goal is to work on making time for the things that ARE important like blogging.  My days are crazy and hectic, and it is so easy to want to just tune it all out and disengage by the end of the day, but this week I will make more of an effort to listen to my 9 year olds stories about recess games and schoolbus drama, dig into some books with my 6 year old voracious reader, do some baking with my hilarious 4 year old, and look into my sweet one year old's blue eyes, because he is my last baby, and someday soon my days will be filled with things other than mothering (and i will hopefully have other things to write about in my blog too).

Until that day comes, thanks for reading!

xo