This time of year there is a lot of buzz around town about things like standardized tests, travel sports tryouts, inter-el band and choir, and the most dreaded of all- talented and gifted programs. When Fiona was "tapped" to take the test for Math Quest, she was so excited, she ran upstairs and Scotch taped the written letter from the Gifted and Talented coordinator to the wall above her bed. Test day finally came and went, but Fiona didn't seem too confident about her performance. She said she didn't have enough time to finish (they gave them an hour to complete a ten page test with a score of 70%). "It's not a big deal," I reassured her, "just see what happens."
Fast forward to last week when the rejection letter came in the mail. I wasn't surprised, and put it right into the recycle bin with all the rest of the kids' unnecessary school papers before Fiona got home from school. We went on with our lives. She may have never brought it up again for a few more days until her friends began sharing their results in school.
"Mom, did you ever get my letter from Math Quest?" she asks. I told her the news. She was quiet for a few minutes before the volcano of tears started. She asked me to text all her friends' moms to ask if they got in, and I humored her. Only one of her friends was accepted, and many more didn't make it in- after all, you need to be two grade levels ahead in math to be eligible. It's fine, I tried to convince her. You are still above grade level and in a math enrichment group. This is not the end of the world!
"But what if I'm not in honors in middle school?!"
My child is in third grade, just so we're clear.
Finally, after two more hours of dramatic sobbing on the couch, Joe comes home from work and sends her to her room. Enough, already.
The next day, the crying and self-pity fest starts again. I get pissed off because I was trying to get the kids packed and out the door for a fun family day in NYC. Joe tells Fiona that if she doesn't stop he is going to take her to the IOL.
Monday afternoon, Fiona gets off the bus and asks if we can sign her up for tutoring at Mathnasium because 'how else will she get two grade levels ahead'? "Maybe Grandma will pay for it?" She asks hopefully.
Quest- Math Quest in particular- seems to stir up some really strong emotions in people. I've heard numerous stories of disgruntled parents calling up school principles demanding to have their children retake the test. Supposedly one mom went on a tirade at a PTO meeting about how "unfair" the Quest selection process is, and at the very least they should give parents study guides so they can help their children pass. People drop thousands of dollars at Kaplan, Mathnasium and for private tutors for children who are already performing at or above grade level. There is even an urban legend that one elementary school in town (ours!) has access to the almighty Math Quest Answer Key. (I told the curriculum specialist about this one at Fiona's conference, and it made her LOL!)
Clearly the Math Quest Debacle of '16 is a symptom of a much bigger problem; not just in my house, but throughout our privileged little corner of suburban paradise. We think that just because we can financially afford to give our children everything they need, that they should also be met with nothing other than success in all areas of their life, and that the path from here to the Ivy League should be paved as smoothly as possible. For Fiona, who is a decently intelligent and conscientious kid, this is the first time she has experienced a flat out rejection, an indisputable failure. The acute realization that everything in her life wasn't always going to come easily, without substantial effort and hard work may have quite possibly been the most important lesson she's learned all year.
Something has gone terribly wrong with our culture when we are raising our children to value external rewards and achievements more than character traits. It's sad that Fiona's self worth was so dependent on admission to this gifted program- something that isn't even intended to be a trophy at all, but simply an accommodation for kids who are so advanced they're bored to tears in the classroom. Quite frankly, if you have a child that is two whole years ahead of their peers in a particular subject, the public school system isn't doing it's job correctly if their needs aren't being met. As parents, we are exacerbating the problem if we complain to the school administrators about how our children "deserve" to be included; this just models bad behavior and encourages feelings of entitlement.
And I suppose Joe and I are a tiny bit guilty ourselves as well. At least on a subconscious level, we have conveyed the message to our daughter that academic achievement is the most important measure of success- and this is not our intention as her parent! Of course, as a member of the #fourkidsclub, I would be delighted if any of my children earned scholarships (I don't want to imagine the cost of four college tuitions right now), but it is infinitely more important to me that my children grow into fulfilled, well-rounded and confident people, and understand that it's NOT the end of the world if they don't get into Harvard, or take differential equations in high school. Values like compassion, empathy, creativity and perseverance hold so much more weight in my book than being accepted into an elite math program. I am satisfied that my child's school is able to challenge her sufficiently in all subject areas, and I feel confident that she has grown a great deal academically in third grade. Isn't that the only thing I should be concerned about?
I recently had a conversation with one of my neighbors about being "average". No one's child is average around here. They're all geniuses; gifted, talented special little snowflakes. An average child has to work extra hard just to keep up; Special snowflakes are perfect just as they are, effortlessly succeeding at everything they try. We should all be so lucky to be considered average! Having perfect standardized test scores and an IQ of 160 means absolutely nothing if you can't commit to anything, and quit at the first taste of rejection! Kids who know they are average develop a work ethic, they know how to try hard and persist. They work through rejection and eventually get further than the "smart kids" who quit when things get tough.
Something has gone terribly wrong with our culture when we are raising our children to value external rewards and achievements more than character traits. It's sad that Fiona's self worth was so dependent on admission to this gifted program- something that isn't even intended to be a trophy at all, but simply an accommodation for kids who are so advanced they're bored to tears in the classroom. Quite frankly, if you have a child that is two whole years ahead of their peers in a particular subject, the public school system isn't doing it's job correctly if their needs aren't being met. As parents, we are exacerbating the problem if we complain to the school administrators about how our children "deserve" to be included; this just models bad behavior and encourages feelings of entitlement.
And I suppose Joe and I are a tiny bit guilty ourselves as well. At least on a subconscious level, we have conveyed the message to our daughter that academic achievement is the most important measure of success- and this is not our intention as her parent! Of course, as a member of the #fourkidsclub, I would be delighted if any of my children earned scholarships (I don't want to imagine the cost of four college tuitions right now), but it is infinitely more important to me that my children grow into fulfilled, well-rounded and confident people, and understand that it's NOT the end of the world if they don't get into Harvard, or take differential equations in high school. Values like compassion, empathy, creativity and perseverance hold so much more weight in my book than being accepted into an elite math program. I am satisfied that my child's school is able to challenge her sufficiently in all subject areas, and I feel confident that she has grown a great deal academically in third grade. Isn't that the only thing I should be concerned about?
I recently had a conversation with one of my neighbors about being "average". No one's child is average around here. They're all geniuses; gifted, talented special little snowflakes. An average child has to work extra hard just to keep up; Special snowflakes are perfect just as they are, effortlessly succeeding at everything they try. We should all be so lucky to be considered average! Having perfect standardized test scores and an IQ of 160 means absolutely nothing if you can't commit to anything, and quit at the first taste of rejection! Kids who know they are average develop a work ethic, they know how to try hard and persist. They work through rejection and eventually get further than the "smart kids" who quit when things get tough.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that learning to cope with rejection is one of the most important lessons any of us can take from life. This will be the first of many rejections for Fiona- I can clearly envision a future full of competitive team sports, SATs, college admissions, dating drama, and more. I realize now that the most important thing I can possibly instill in my girl is to not give up when things are difficult, and not to measure success in comparison to others, but in terms of personal growth. To remember that she still enjoys math, even though she didn't get in to Quest. And that her life is NOT over if she isn't on the middle school honors track, or doesn't go to MIT, or ends up at a nice public university like her parents (certainly we didn't end up half bad).
As parents, we are all guilty of wanting to give our children every opportunity imaginable in life. The part that is hard (especially if you are privileged, like us) is accepting that these things mean nothing unless our kids earn them themselves. For our family, extra playtime after school is much more important (and necessary!) than an extra hour spent at Mathnasium. Friends, if you have a child who did get into Quest, or another elite program, team or group- kudos! You have every right to be proud and celebrate your child's (and your!) hard work. Just know that if you brag about it on social media, people are going to roll their eyes or make gagging noises immediately after pressing "like". :-)
Have an Average Day!
xo
As parents, we are all guilty of wanting to give our children every opportunity imaginable in life. The part that is hard (especially if you are privileged, like us) is accepting that these things mean nothing unless our kids earn them themselves. For our family, extra playtime after school is much more important (and necessary!) than an extra hour spent at Mathnasium. Friends, if you have a child who did get into Quest, or another elite program, team or group- kudos! You have every right to be proud and celebrate your child's (and your!) hard work. Just know that if you brag about it on social media, people are going to roll their eyes or make gagging noises immediately after pressing "like". :-)
Have an Average Day!
xo
Amen!!!
ReplyDeleteAmen!!!
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