There are probably two days every week where I actually work on my physical appearance. I mean, work on it as much as any stay at home mom of 5 whose big outing of the day is probably a trip to Trader Joe's might.
The other day I was in front of the mirror drawing my winged eyeliner when Lily appeared behind me.
"Mom, why do you put on makeup when you don't have a job and stay in the house all day?"
I looked my girl right in the eye.
"Because Mommy hasn't given up yet, sweetheart".
"Oh."
What I should have explained to Lil is that I understand how confusing it is to be a ten year old girl. We tell them to be assertive, but not bossy. Look pretty, but don't dress slutty. Be a feminist, but don't make people uncomfortable. And don't forget, you can raise a family, but never compromise when it comes to reaching your career goals. Being a tween is hard enough to navigate without all these mixed messages.
I am a child of the 80s and 90s, and very much a feminist, thankyouverymuch. I was raised by progressive boomer parents, inundated with tons of media that assured me I was special and smart, and was encouraged to "reach for the stars". I was told girls could grow up to be anything they wanted, even the President of the United States! It all sounded great to my little ears, and even though I never quite had a concrete picture of the Great Thing I was going to grow up and be (that extended beyond prancing around NYC with great hair and a fabulous wardrobe) I never considered at age 6, or 12, or 20 that I'd be doing what I am doing now- staying home and raising a family in and oh so traditional way.
But like the edgy Millennial that I am, I decided to buck the trend and be totally radical and get married and have a baby at the tender age of 23. You know, during the time when all my friends were staring into the depressing existential void of post college underemployment, staggering student debt, and unfulfilled expectations from life in general. Suckers, I thought, I have a great plan! I skipped over the things everyone else did in their 20s. I made friends with other moms a decade older than I was. I went to playgroups and music class and toddler time. I had fun running the stay at home mom circuit and had several more babies, while Joe worked his ass off finishing school and starting his business, reaching towards the bright and shiny WeHa middle class suburban life that we considered our end game. We were a couple of posers; totally broke until around kid #4, but it was fun to walk the walk ten years ahead of everyone else our age.
Lucky for us, it all worked out. Thirteen years later, we have a house, 2 cars, 5 kids, nice vacations- a totally comfortable and Instagrammable life- traditional gender roles or not. I was a stay at home mom, but I was young and liberal and cool; definitely not of the June Cleaver ilk (despite my love of being barefoot, and tendency to become pregnant every couple of years).
Two years ago, I had my last beautiful baby. Joe and I were on the fence about #5; our family was already perfect and "balanced". I had decided to go pursue my MSW in an extremely non-committal and part time way. Our youngest was turning 3 and about to start school. We could have moved forward with whatever would have been next for our family but instead decided to dive right back in at square one. I "bought myself another five years", as one of my playgroup mom friends once said. Quinn is our last baby, and the most perfect and beautiful cherry on top of our family.
But after having that fifth baby, there was no question. I was done. Chapter closed.
So now here I sit, 3 years shy of 40, the anxiety and feeling of existential dread starting to creep in once more. Quinny will be in school before long. I will no longer be needed by someone 100% of the time. Time to revisit the old familiar question I've been putting off for a couple decades. What am I going to do with my life?
Somehow I missed the mom memo about how to successfully return to the workforce after a 13 year employment gap. I know I am not alone- there are so many of us suburban moms searching for the unicorn part time job between 9-2 on weekdays, with summers off, that pays well and utilizes all of the skills we honed in our many years of post secondary education. A job that leaves us fulfilled and happy, while also allowing for enough time off to be with our kids (who apparently don't stop needing us after the first day of kindergarten like we expected they would).
Haha!
But seriously guys, why did it take me 36 years to realize that doesn't exist? Nobody has a life like that without compromising anything. You make choices.
The thing is, while us 90s kids were playing with our astronaut Barbies, planted in front of big purple dinosaurs singing about how "special"we are, nobody told us that it is actually physically quite impossible for any person of any gender to "have it all", unlimited potential or not.
There is no winning at life, even if we pretend we did on Instagram. We're all just surviving- paying the bills, trying to be decent people, figuring out what it means to be happy. If having a job with a paycheck is part of that equation- great. If your dream is to stay home and raise your family- rock on. If you can manage to feel fulfilled by any combination of those things, you made it! If you have good days and bad days and wonder constantly what life would be like if you made different decisions, congratulations you are human. If you are lucky enough to be able to choose in the first place, take a step back and acknowledge how tremendously privileged you are.
I want my children to know that the decision to stay home and raise them was intentional, even though I made it when I was very young. I want them to know our family is extremely fortunate to be able to afford my choice, and that it has nothing to do with my gender (though I do not deny its more socially acceptable to be a female stay at home parent). My work has value even though I don't get paid, and I will support my girls (and boys) on whichever path they choose to follow.
Of course I want a career and a life outside of motherhood someday, but I accept that I have NO TIME to pursue one right now. I refuse to throw myself (and my $) half- assed into a new endeavor before i am ready, because it will almost definitely mean failing spectacularly in all arenas of my life. Even though I receive little validation from society for the things I accomplish every day as an extremely non-glamorous stay at home mom, I know that the Power family ship would not run without the abundance of invisible labor, time and energy I put in to keep it afloat every single day. Even on days I don't wear eyeliner.
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