This summer has sucked, but at least we have Taylor.

Hi Y'all. Six months into the Unprecedented Global Pandemic of 2020, I have grown tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of looking at zoom boxes, tired of reading posts by anti-maskers & anti-vaxxers, tired of making guesses about the upcoming school year, tired of telling my kids they can't go there/do that/see them, then watching them deflate and mindlessly retreat into the glow of their screens. 

So tired of hearing the annoying phrases "Now, More than Ever"; "We're All In This Together"; "Together, but Apart"; "These Unprecedented Times" and "The New Normal". 

Tired of worrying if the choices I made for my family were safe enough, and then freaking out about them in hindsight.

Tired of Quinn's voice. I swear I love that boy, but he doesn't STFU. 

But the thing I'm sick of the most is the pressure to put on a happy face, and declare that we must look the bright side of a truly awful, scary, uncertain situation. Tired of doling out empty appeasements to myself and others, when I'm really not sure if "everything's going to be okay". It's the toxic positivity that's killing me the most in 2020. 

This summer has been lame and sad for our family, and I think it's okay to admit that we're all a little less than enthusiastic about our current situations. 

Can we just stop talking about silver linings already, and finally admit to ourselves that the last six months have been trash, and the "better days ahead" rhetoric is naive, unrealistic, and vaguely insulting to anyone who has been paying attention? It's okay to feel negative emotions right now, because this year has been a string of continuous disappointments, fear, uncertainty and loneliness for everyone. Mix that in with a frightening and unstable political climate, outspoken crazy people with no common sense (some of whom we know and love), and we have an unavoidable shit storm of bad feelings, and the only way out is through. 

As a parent, I realize that a big part of my job is to not project my feelings of anxiety and dread onto my kids, who are already feeling their own version of those emotions anyway. We have been cooped up together WAY too much, and I've noticed how our moods rub off on each other, especially the ultra-sensitive teen, who already spends way too much time looking up coronavirus infection rate maps and wondering why her friends don't always text her back.

So now my job has become to manage my own negative shit while simultaneously consoling everyone else in my family, all while breaking up the usual squabbles (and fist fights) and managing the day to day household drudgery. But I'm tired of being responsible for everyone else's emotional well-being. 

And since I've apparently read every self-help book aimed at my demographic during March and April, I know that as a woman my default is to minimize my negative emotions for the comfort level of others. I've always felt pressure to keep the mood light, and start sentences with "At least we...".

Well, at least we're not dead! That's all I got, guys. 

It's time to stop looking at the covid-19 crisis as some profound lesson the universe is trying to teach us (except maybe the one about listening to public health experts). No, a pandemic is NOT a good way for our kids to learn perseverance and grit, or how to deal with disappointment. A global crisis is NOT the perfect time to "find ourselves".  It just plain sucks. 

And we all can't be like T Swift and drop a brilliant secret indie album featuring Bon Iver that we just happened to make during all our free time in isolation. 

This pandemic is going to define our kids' childhoods (at least the older ones), and define us as a generation of young parents. It's okay to feel all the negative emotions right now. I realize that our varying degrees of privilege has some of us feeling these things more acutely, but all of our shitty, messy feelings are valid.  

Its time to drop the act, guys, because there's no happy ending to a global pandemic, even if you douse yourself in essential oils, clutch your bible and pray the coronavirus away. We're all mourning and low-key depressed this summer, despite the fact that we have folklore. 

We're all anxious about what will happen in the winter; how we're going to homeschool our kids, keep our jobs, and about the possibility of ourselves and our loved ones getting sick. We all really, really want to hug our friends and family again. We're all having trouble navigating other people's boundaries and comfort levels, trying not to take things personally, and trying not to get too drunk and embarrass ourselves during socially- distanced happy hour because we've forgotten our social skills. We're all having trouble with the constant barrage of terrible news, and all the uncertainty.

But I want people to start being honest with each other about how much this all sucks. It's okay to admit this is the most challenging thing we've collectively been through as parents, and as people. 

It's okay to listen to folklore on repeat 24/7 until your husband says "Alexa, I'm sorry you have to hear this crap all day".

And I want my friends to know that I'm here for them, judgement free, because I'm doing the same shitty job coping as they are. 

Seriously though guys, do whatever you need to do to get through these trying times: 

After all....We're all in this together! !! 

(barf)

 

COVID and Cream Eggs: a pandemic diary.

The COVID-19 pandemic has created an unprecedented public health crisis that has resulted in hundreds of thousands of critically ill patients, an overwhelmed healthcare system, the closing of schools, destruction of businesses, demolition of the economy, a president that continues to prove he is worthless during a crisis, and a universal feeling of anxiety and dread that has engulfed all of humanity over the last few weeks.

Everyone has had to make sacrifices and adjustments, even us stay at home moms, who barely put on shoes and venture out in to the scary world beyond our nice safe kitchens on a normal day!

As I'm sure all mothers with five small children have, I've seized this opportunity to let my overachieving domesticity shine! Being stuck inside has afforded me loads of newfound free time to brainstorm ways I can become a better, more well rounded and self- actualized person while creating lasting and meaningful memories for my family during this tumultuous time. After my morning virtual power yoga sesh, I usually make the kids a nutritious breakfast with a theme that corresponds to our daily homeschooling lesson. Then I scour the internet for a home organization, healthy eating or exercise challenge in which to partake. Or perhaps I will find a new hobby to perfect over the next several weeks, or at least pretend I did on my Instagram stories. Next, I begin my ambitious gourmet cooking/ baking project for the week, while incorporating a math lesson for the kiddos. Oh, and we MUST learn to draw Piggy, Gerald, Captain Underpants, and tour at least 75 museums and art galleries on YouTube before lunchtime! Of course, I have also been busy setting up well organized and aesthetically pleasing homeschool workspaces for my children, who have been excelling at distance leaning. PS- looking for book recs, since my 5 year old finished the entire Harry Potter series last week.

LOL. It's so easy to lie on the internet.

But seriously.

Since we began staying home in order to "flatten the curve" 3(??) weeks ago, I have been doing NOTHING productive, at all, and I'm not sorry. Not being able to do the things that bring me joy and purpose every day has sucked all the energy out of me. I have given myself permission to NOT spend every minute alphabetizing the pantry or sewing handmade puppets for the children, or any activity I hate doing under normal, non-pandemic circumstances. Letting go of that pressure may be the only thing that has actually made me feel good lately. So for all my friends who are hard on themselves for being unproductive, distracted and miserable during this time, don't let all the Covid- overachievers on social media get you down. Let me offer you a glimpse into my day, which lately has looked something like this:


8??- wake up
8:10- stare at the ceiling and remember this is real life and not a dream. Wonder what day it is, and if it's the weekend.
8:30- Quinn cries in his crib. Wonder how long he's been peeling off and re-sticking the plastic decals on his wall.
9:00- make 5 different breakfasts, stuff some Easter candy in my own mouth. Scroll through horrible news/ horrible social media feed.
9:15- Open Starbucks mobile app by reflex. Think about having coffee with friends. Get sad.
9:45- Fight with the boys about turning off Xbox. Worst Mom Ever.
10:00- Slog through distance leaning assignments with Brendan, who is facing the wrong way in his chair with his eyes closed. Wonder why he can't just repeat second grade.
11:30- Give up trying to teach Brendy for now. Say something like, "fine, but you have to read for 25 minutes later!"
11:35- Feel validated about not having chosen teaching as a career. Think about how much respect I have for teachers and how they should be paid more.
11:50- Wondering if I should put on a bra or brush my hair before I pop into a video call with one of the kids' teachers for 30 seconds.
12:00- Contemplating getting dressed. Shower? How many days has it been since Lily has brushed her hair? Should she be on Zoom looking like that?
12:30- Start reading one of my dozen half finished books. Kids bother me after 3.5 pages.
12:45- Make 4 grilled cheese sandwiches, some of which contain the Wrong Cheese.
1:00- Yell at everyone to pour themselves a bowl cereal if they don't like what I make.
1:10- ask Alexa to play my playlist while I clean up spilled cereal/ look at my phone.
1:30- Wonder if I need some happier music, or maybe lexapro?
2:00- Tell kids to go outside and play in the backyard.
2:01- Boys can't find any pants
2:05- Help them find pants/ yell at them for sneaking Xbox
2:10-"What do you mean you are already sick of the trampoline we just bought!"
2:20- Think about changing Quinn out of his pajamas. Decide to let him get wet and muddy in the backyard first.
2:30- "Girls, you did your schoolwork, right?"
3:00- Realize I didn't eat lunch and microwave something. Wonder why I gain, like, a pound a day if I run three times a week and no longer eat at restaurants (as I unwrap another cadbury cream egg).
3:10- Start to have deep thoughts about Frozen 2. Is the magical spirit that calls out to Elsa the voice of her mother (because water has memory), or is it her own subconscious urging her to do the Next Right Thing? Some complex themes in that movie, guys.
3:30- Fiona has some psychosomatic injury/ ilness/ problem. I tell her to go on a bike ride and call me if she is going to be longer than an hour.
4:00- Stare at my phone. Wonder why I used to consider myself an introvert. Maybe I am an extrovert who just hates most people? Oh god, am I a terrible person?!
4:15- Open WFSB and look at headlines/ Covid-19 death count. Close app. Open NY Times. Repeat until thoroughly anxious/depressed.
4:30- Should I make the kids color little paper hearts to put in the window?
4:45- Take Quinn on walk around the block in his little ride-on car. He falls asleep 3/4 of the way through, so I have to pick him up and carry him home while pushing the car. Wonder how late he will stay up tonight as a result.
5:30- Another attempt to read a physical book. Wonder if Glennon Doyle wrote the bit about sitting inside her dark closet waiting for her true self reveal the next right thing to do before or after she saw Frozen 2.
5:45- Rummage through fridge for dinner ingredients. Really wish I could go to plan B for a burger and that delicious fried cauliflower...with friends. Will I even have friends or remember how to behave appropriately in social situations when this shit is over? Sadness.
6:00- Cook dinner. Ok, fine, you can play Xbox now. whatever.
6:10- Hey, has anyone seen Lily?
6:30- Check the news again, get overwhelmed with dread.
6:45- Easter candy/ Girl Scout cookies
6:50- Think about how much I hate the phrase "silver linings"
7:30-Time for rage-filled run around the neighborhood! See eerily empty streets, no cars. Wonder if I am living in a bad made-for-Netflix movie about the apocalypse.
8:00- Get yelled at by the KO security guard for cutting through campus on my way back. By the end of this, we will be friends.
8:10- Hang out a block away from my house in the dark, not wanting to go back inside just yet. Listen to bad music and feel sad.
8:15-Wonder when the Weeknd started listening to A Flock of Seagulls.
8:30- Drink. Drunkenly text friends. Sorry, friends.
8:45- Play 90s song quiz trivia on Alexa with Joe
8:50- Think about how knowing useless music trivia is my only talent, and I basically wasted my life.
8:55- Are the kids doing chores? Ok, awesome. Good thing we made that Rules chart.
9:00- Is it bath night? Nah.
9:15- Time for vodka
9:30- Kids go to bed somewhere in there...
9:45- Tiger King, maybe?
10:00- Shots
10:30- Why is Quinny still awake?
11:00- God, I hate breastfeeding. Why am I still doing this? He's two years old, for fuck's sake.
11:30- Cadbury Cream eggs. I should probably drink some water.
11:45- Ozark/ pass out.

Ok. Hopefully I've made you feel a little better about however you are filling your days during this god awful shit show.

Parents, as long as you are remembering to feed your children, not doing anything that will require them to spend years therapy, and, you know, staying home and NOT SPREADING THE VIRUS, you are doing an amazing job. Everything sucks right now, and everyone is struggling, whether we are worried about life and death, our finances, our mental health, or how our stupid Instagram feed looks (put the phone down!).
We are not "supposed" to be productive.
We are not "supposed" to be using this time in any particular way.
We are only required to take care of ourselves and each other, and do whatever we need to do to help us get through this strange, sad, scary time.
And we will get through it, eventually. Even if we choose candy over personal growth.

Stay safe, everyone.

I don't want a job, said the feminist millennial mom.

There are probably two days every week where I actually work on my physical appearance. I mean, work on it as much as any stay at home mom of 5 whose big outing of the day is probably a trip to Trader Joe's might.

The other day I was in front of the mirror drawing my winged eyeliner when Lily appeared behind me.

"Mom, why do you put on makeup when you don't have a job and stay in the house all day?"

I looked my girl right in the eye.

"Because Mommy hasn't given up yet, sweetheart".

"Oh."

What I should have explained to Lil is that I understand how confusing it is to be a ten year old girl. We tell them to be assertive, but not bossy. Look pretty, but don't dress slutty. Be a feminist, but don't make people uncomfortable. And don't forget, you can raise a family, but never compromise when it comes to reaching your career goals. Being a tween is hard enough to navigate without all these mixed messages.

I am a child of the 80s and 90s, and very much a feminist, thankyouverymuch. I was raised by progressive boomer parents, inundated with tons of media that assured me I was special and smart, and was encouraged to "reach for the stars". I was told girls could grow up to be anything they wanted, even the President of the United States! It all sounded great to my little ears, and even though I never quite had a concrete picture of the Great Thing I was going to grow up and be (that extended beyond prancing around NYC with great hair and a fabulous wardrobe) I never considered at age 6, or 12, or 20 that I'd be doing what I am doing now- staying home and raising a family in and oh so traditional way.

But like the edgy Millennial that I am, I decided to buck the trend and be totally radical and get married and have a baby at the tender age of 23. You know, during the time when all my friends were staring into the depressing existential void of post college underemployment, staggering student debt, and unfulfilled expectations from life in general. Suckers, I thought, I have a great plan! I skipped over the things everyone else did in their 20s. I made friends with other moms a decade older than I was. I went to playgroups and music class and toddler time. I had fun running the stay at home mom circuit and had several more babies, while Joe worked his ass off finishing school and starting his business, reaching towards the bright and shiny WeHa middle class suburban life that we considered our end game. We were a couple of posers; totally broke until around kid #4, but it was fun to walk the walk ten years ahead of everyone else our age.

Lucky for us, it all worked out. Thirteen years later, we have a house, 2 cars, 5 kids, nice vacations- a totally comfortable and Instagrammable life- traditional gender roles or not. I was a stay at home mom, but I was young and liberal and cool; definitely not of the June Cleaver ilk (despite my love of being barefoot, and tendency to become pregnant every couple of years).


Two years ago, I had my last beautiful baby. Joe and I were on the fence about #5; our family was already perfect and "balanced". I had decided to go pursue my MSW in an extremely non-committal and part time way. Our youngest was turning 3 and about to start school. We could have moved forward with whatever would have been next for our family but instead decided to dive right back in at square one. I "bought myself another five years", as one of my playgroup mom friends once said. Quinn is our last baby, and the most perfect and beautiful cherry on top of our family.

But after having that fifth baby, there was no question. I was done. Chapter closed.

So now here I sit, 3 years shy of 40, the anxiety and feeling of existential dread starting to creep in once more. Quinny will be in school before long. I will no longer be needed by someone 100% of the time. Time to revisit the old familiar question I've been putting off for a couple decades. What am I going to do with my life?

Somehow I missed the mom memo about how to successfully return to the workforce after a 13 year employment gap. I know I am not alone- there are so many of us suburban moms searching for the unicorn part time job between 9-2 on weekdays, with summers off, that pays well and utilizes all of the skills we honed in our many years of post secondary education. A job that leaves us fulfilled and happy, while also allowing for enough time off to be with our kids (who apparently don't stop needing us after the first day of kindergarten like we expected they would).

Haha!

But seriously guys, why did it take me 36 years to realize that doesn't exist? Nobody has a life like that without compromising anything. You make choices.

The thing is, while us 90s kids were playing with our astronaut Barbies, planted in front of big purple dinosaurs singing about how "special"we are, nobody told us that it is actually physically quite impossible for any person of any gender to "have it all", unlimited potential or not.

There is no winning at life, even if we pretend we did on Instagram. We're all just surviving- paying the bills, trying to be decent people, figuring out what it means to be happy. If having a job with a paycheck is part of that equation- great. If your dream is to stay home and raise your family- rock on. If you can manage to feel fulfilled by any combination of those things, you made it! If you have good days and bad days and wonder constantly what life would be like if you made different decisions, congratulations you are human. If you are lucky enough to be able to choose in the first place, take a step back and acknowledge how tremendously privileged you are.

I want my children to know that the decision to stay home and raise them was intentional, even though I made it when I was very young. I want them to know our family is extremely fortunate to be able to afford my choice, and that it has nothing to do with my gender (though I do not deny its more socially acceptable to be a female stay at home parent). My work has value even though I don't get paid, and I will support my girls (and boys) on whichever path they choose to follow.

Of course I want a career and a life outside of motherhood someday, but I accept that I have NO TIME to pursue one right now.  I refuse to throw myself  (and my $) half- assed into a new endeavor before i am ready, because it will almost definitely mean failing spectacularly in all arenas of my life. Even though I receive little validation from society for the things I accomplish every day as an extremely non-glamorous stay at home mom, I know that the Power family ship would not run without the abundance of invisible labor, time and energy I put in to keep it afloat every single day.  Even on days I don't wear eyeliner.

I. Am. Joyce.

Baby Q has been on the outside for nearly six weeks. What a blur. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was uncomfortably pregnant and stationed on my heating pad eating eating pickle guacamole and girl scout cookies all day? Although I admittedly still eat plenty of Do-si-do's for breakfast, I jumped head first back into the fray of frantic pace of life with five, and remembering permission slips/ school lunches/ making dinner/ musical instruments/ sports gear/ feeding the baby while attempting to maintain a human appearance. These days, I don't sleep a lot, but probably more than when I was pregnant.

These days, I simultaneously want to burst into tears because my perfect, beautiful LAST baby is growing up too quickly, and also because taking care of five kids is plain f-ing HARD. I didn't' think it was possible to go through the whole spectrum of emotions every single day while simultaneously being bored out of my mind by the monotony of the newborn routine and seemingly endless housework.

These days, I walk around for hours with at least one boob of my nursing bra unbuckled (why does no one ever tell me!?) and the same grey maternity sweatshirt I have been wearing since September.

These days, I walk around with spit up matted hair (yesterday i thought i lost an earring- luckily, it was just stuck in one of my dreadlocks) and skin as broken out as a fifteen year old's.

Is that leave-in conditioner? Nope.

These days, I have resorted to wearing those horrible LuLa Roe leggings that look like an acid trip Magic Eye book from the 90s because nothing else fits right now. Seriously, no grown woman should wear this, even if they are a size 2 and HATE Do-si-dos. Definitely not too good for the ol' postpartum self esteem.

If your friend asks you to go to one of these parties, JUST SAY NO.

These days, I find myself not caring at all about any of these things. Especially not about this basket of 400 single socks I have been meaning to match for weeks, but just shove back into the front closet every night. Do people without five kids actually care about socks? I'll never know.

every day is crazy sock day!

Since the Fall, my kids have been really into the Netflix series, Stranger Things. They paint pictures of the Shadow Monster and demogorgons in art class. They made Steve Harrington valentines for their classmates last month (I think their teachers were mostly amused). They ask Alexa to play "Waiting for a Girl Like You" by Foreigner and reenact Barb's disappearance into the Upside Down. It's as hilarious as it is appropriate, and it's one of the many reasons why I love being their mom. 

Whenever I play Stranger Things with my kids, I am always Joyce, of course, as she is obviously my homemaking role model. I haven't strung up any Christmas lights in my living room (yet), and I'm pretty sure none of my children are lost in an alternate dimension, but I admit that I am more than a little similar to scatterbrained, unpredictable, lovable Joyce., who gives zero fucks about what people think of her and her homemaking skills. 

The truth is, I like having an excuse for giving fewer fucks than usual, so I might just continue to milk this whole "I have a newborn" thing for as long as I can. Getting the kids to school (or anywhere) on time isn't my strong suit anyway, but these days, if we can get there by 9:15 or so with dunkin donuts  it's good enough! Because now I have a newborn! Arrange and host play dates for all the older kids every snow day? Volunteer for the stupid classroom celebration/ bake sale? Drive the carpool? Nope!!!!! Because I have a newborn. Yesssss.

But just when I decide to embrace my archetypal Joyce-ness and go easy on myself for not always having it "together", something like this happens: I was walking my kids in to school late (again) one morning, and as I was attempting to stuff my son's snow pants, boots, and winter crap into his locker I was approached by one of his buddies, who asked me if he could play over after school. Of course I said yes, and offered to reciprocate some time soon. The boy answered, "Yeah, I told my mom I would rather play at your house, but she said you had too many kids, so we should go to mine instead."  !!

In situations like this, I feel bad and sort of guilty for being so Joyce-y, but despite my lack of organizational skills and scatterbrained tenancies, I am by no means negligent. No, I wont' hover over your kid with organic snacks and Pinterest-worthy craft ideas on playdates, but I promise I will keep them safe, and they'll have fun.


Sure, my kids don't always wear socks to school or remember their homework, but they are very aware of the love that exists within their loud, messy, crowded home. Our lives right now are chaotic, we are still finding a rhythm as a family of seven and that's okay. Some days I nail it and go to three grocery stores and cook an amazing meal, other days, my kids dig into the 72 count box of granola bars from Costco and call it dinner. Win some, lose some.

Until then, I don't care if I'm the Joyce of the mom crowd. I am not afraid of being a bra-less hot mess mom with yesterdays makeup and unbrushed hair at school drop off. I am not afraid of not having an Instagram- worthy home full of white furniture and no fingerprints. I am not afraid to admit that I have gained weight, have horrible skin and haven't had a haircut since July.

What I am afraid of is having these precious newborn days slip by amid the chaos, breaking up fights, keeping schedules, and driving, driving driving my kids around town. This time is short and I plan to drink it up with my chapped un-lipsticked mouth. Someday I know I will care about things like being on time, and putting on makeup, and wearing appropriate clothes purchased from an actual store rather than a direct marketing stay at home mom pyramid scheme (or Target).

But right now, my life is crazy and loud and nuts, and every night ends with a fight between at least two kids followed by a raucous Hamilton/Taylor Swift dance party. I love it so much my heart might explode, and I am in the center of it all because I. Am. Joyce.

So feel free to send your kids over any time. I will be sure to serve them some Do-si do's in my flamboyant pants.