Mom confession: I don't particularly care for the holidays.

GASP!!!!  It's true.

But I like to think that actively trying to like the holiday season every year counts for something.

Every November I promise myself that this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be different. This is the year I will "relax" and "enjoy" the holidays and "slow down" and "focus on the important things". That I won't freak out about finding something to wear, or if the kids' dress shoes don't fit, or if the discussion at the table turns political, or if relatives judge my parenting/ kids' behavior, or if my nine year old wears sparkly sweatpants from Justice to church because she "doesn't have any clothes".

Nope, this is the year I will let it all go, and "savor the small moments". Or whatever people say.

The thing about being in the #fourkidsclub is that there are very few small moments to savor during the holiday season that don't involve breaking up fights, frantically rushing around everywhere, and deescalating public meltdowns before people notice. Forget matching outfits and combed hair for church on Christmas Eve, these days I'm lucky if all four of them don't have chocolate and/or boogers on their faces and are wearing both shoes AND clean socks. And if you are chronically 5 to 45 minutes late to everything like me, you can definitely look forward to standing in the back of the church holding your crying, wiggling toddler while your older kids beg for fruit snacks as your mind drifts to existential thoughts about whether you should be raising your children Catholic in the first place, and how pissed off you are at Pope Francis for being a sexist jerk.

I guess those 1950s housewives who coasted through the holidays on Xanax and cooking sherry had it right all along.

Thanksgiving is coming up on Thursday, and I admit this one is my least favorite, despite my fondness of green bean casserole with buttery french fried onions.  The good part is, there's no church component to this one, however it is chock full of fun activities like making your neanderthal children with sit and behave at dinner in front of people who don't see them (or children in general) very often and have lots and lots of fun and useful opinions about everything. Especially parenting. And how to Make America Great Again. And Planned Parenthood. And of course, what we should do with the criminal immigrants! This Thanksgiving, a mere 2 weeks after the election that tore our nation apart, I will happily get up to chase my 2 year old at the first mention of the word "wall". Oh, and of course, lest we forget the unfortunate emergency c-section I had at 4 am on Thanksgiving two years ago. No green beans (or dignity)for me that year! Having to relive traumatic birth experiences is just the icing on an already a not-so-pleasant turkey flavored cake. Seriously, I will be thankful when it's all over.

As soon as you recover from Round 1, you are thrust head first into the frenzy of Christmas season. For the next 4 weeks, you will be forced to listen to horrible music like Christmas Shoes on every radio station, watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 4,000 times, and if you're REALLY unlucky, wait in line at the mall for 3 hours so your kid can be too scared to sit on Santa's lap.

Then before you know it, it will be December 23rd and too late for 2-day shipping on Amazon and you have to do things like go to an actual physical store with your kids. SO YOU FREAK OUT AND START BUYING RANDOM CRAP! Buy it now and figure out who you'll give it to later. You will bribe your kids with pretzel bites and soda in exchange for 20 more minutes of quiet while you get those damn personalized ornaments you decided you need every year. You will run from store to store screaming things like "get back in the stroller!" and "I told you not to put your fingers near the escalator!".  And then...then you become that mom. 

Truthfully, a central theme of #fourkidsclub Christmas shopping involves overcompensating for favoritism and trying to create an equitable spread: all four gift piles must at least appear somewhat even despite the fact that we all have a favorite child. So naturally, you lose tally of who got what, and overbuy like crazy.

After you return from the mall, broken down and defeated, you'll spend all Christmas eve night wrapping ten thousand presents for your greedy little brats who are already way too spoiled and entitled  little munchkins hoping the next morning will go smoothly and everyone will be happy. And of course, they will be happy- Christmas morning might actually be one of my favorite things about being a parent. All kidding aside, the look on their faces when they find out Santa came is one that almost makes up for the bullshit we have to withstand during the rest of the season. This might be the last year we still have four believers, and for them, Christmas will damn well be magical. The pure joy our kids experience on Christmas morning allows us to overlook the fact that we will be tripping over toys and stepping on legos for weeks until we find a place to store them. From Dec.25th until around New Year's, our living room looks a little something like this:

wait-- did a bomb just go off?

.

Sadly, the joy of Christmas morning is often short lived, because after a few hours of playing with toys and stuffing our faces with junk food, we are forced to mobilize and attend our various Christmas engagements. Family politics have prevented us from ever hosting at our home, but despite the inevitable cleaning frenzy, having people over here would be much better than tearing four kids away from their new toys and loading them into the car for a day rationed diplomatically between my family and my in-laws. It's never fun, and there's never enough time spent either place to make everyone happy.

Because of course, holidays are all about making other people happy. Duh!

When I was a kid, my family always hosted Christmas. There was the usual present-opening morning bliss, but then around 11, shit would get real and my parents made us take all our loot up to our rooms and started cooking and vacuuming like crazy before everyone arrived. The two sides of my family didn't hide their differences well, so they'd sit at their separate tables while my mom's in-laws teased her about her pre-cooked Stop n Shop turkey and environmentally irresponsible use of Styrofoam cups. I can now appreciate how much that must have sucked.

So yeah, THIS YEAR, I am going to try to enjoy the holidays, mostly since they are going to happen whether I like it or not. No, I am not turning to drugs. No, I am not going to carry around vodka in a hairspray bottle in my purse. No, I am not skipping the holidays altogether and running away to a tropical island. Well, maybe I will I my head...

Here I am NOT having a conversation about politics.

I am not going to stress out before or during the holiday season this year.  Instead, I am going to do something totally out of character and plan ahead.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JK!!!

But seriously, even though it is the biggest parenting cliche around, when these kids grow up NO ONE WILL REMEMBER the tearful fight with the girl who refused to wear her velour dress to church, or the passive aggressive comment some judge-y relative made about my parenting. No one will care what I wear, or if the kids still have crap on their faces from a breakfast of Hershey's kisses and chocolate croissants. No one will remember that "casual" discussion about the merits of Trumps transition team OR CERTAINLY ONE CAN HOPE. That's why there is wine (or vodka Aqua Net), anyway.

So you guys enjoy the holiday season, ok? Remember, it's only as stressful, hectic, uncomfortable, degrading, and Trump-y as you let it be...and besides, it'll all be over in about a month! And by then we'll be grasping for any remaining shreds of  holiday cheer, because it will be shitty January in Connecticut! Hooray! So have fun ignoring your budget and not being on Weight Watchers for one more month. And I will be sure to send you a postcard from my imaginary tropical island of avoidance and delusion, which MAY OR MAY NOT be better than cheap wine and benzos.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!