Dear FTP at the splash pad with flashcards...

The other day after Fiona's swim meet I was hanging with my kids at the splash pad at our local pool. I quickly grabbed the last square of shade, donned my "incognito" sunglasses, and proceeded to check Facebook in peace while my kids played in the spray. When I looked up again (which yes, I occasionally do) I was a bit perplexed by what I saw. There was a solid ring of moms around the periphery of the splash pad, hovering within arms length of their children, guiding their play, narrating their actions, and protecting them from Brendan other kids. FTPs we call them: First Time Parents. AND THEN the mom sitting in front of me pulled out flash cards and starting quizzing her ONE year old on sight words!! Are you kidding me? I'm eight years into this Mom thing now, so I guess I've lost touch with what the "younger generation" is doing, but is this how moms these days parent? Are they in some kind of competition? Are they going to jump off a cliff or turn to drugs if their precious little treasures fall short of the Ivy League and instead have to go to Middlebury or Vassar instead of Harvard?

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I often find myself idly scrolling my News Feed late in the day while the kids are glued to Fireman Sam. So many articles pop up- HuffPost parents, Scary Mommy, a few about recipes, a handful about Kim Kardashian. I read probably 10-20 a night, you know, to avoid having to engage with my cranky children during that horrid hour between whenever we finish our day's activity and the time my husband gets home from work. Mostly I scroll with glazed over eyes, but it's hard not to notice how much "advice" is out there for we parents of young children- and quite a wide range thereof.

Sometimes, I'm told I should be a "1970's parent" and like, make my kids bologna sandwiches on Wonder Bread and let them roam the neighborhood every afternoon until dusk playing with sticks and rocks. Tried this once- NOT A GOOD IDEA. After about three hours of 1970s parenting, I found Brendan (who is 3) across the street and three yards over with our adorable 4 year old neighbor boy (to whom said articles may refer as "free range") chasing random cats. Brendan's bike was later located in another neigbor's yard. But heck, that's nothing compared to another time earlier this month.We were enjoing a nice Sunday afternoon at the beach when Brendan drifted away with the current on his boogie board....
...well that was a horrible day I don't wish to recall, but let's just say that after he was found 25 minutes later, and the police and firefighters had left, I totally needed a xanax and Brendan had absolutely NO IDEA how serious the situation was. He sat back down on the blanket and ate his Pringles with not a care in the world.

There is nothing I love more than when my children can be independent- and one of the biggest reasons why I'm all about the #fourkidsclub. My older two are becoming so independent- they have to be. The girls can do things like make frozen waffles and hold an impressive 50% success rate when it comes to locating their shoes. When you stop doing every little thing for your kids, they actually (slowly) become kind of responsible and helpful. That said, I realize I need to have my eye on them now and then to avoid playing that horrible scene from The Lovely Bones in my head over and over--1970's parenting at it's worst.

OR there's the other opposite extreme: attachment parenting articles, surely a favorite of our friend at the water park. These are the articles I love to hate. Nothing makes me roll my eyes and LOL like a good piece about how we should always fight our children's battles, validate their feelings and redirect their bad behavior by roleplaying or puppet shows or spending quality time together instead of punishment. Gag. I'm fairly certain my kids' feeling or self-worth won't be damaged by a few well earned trips to the time out chair. If they want to express their damn emotions, they can write angry diary entries and draw pictures featuring the "worst mom ever" like I used to do.  I actually love seeing such works of art. That's how I know I'm doing a good job. And at night, you BETTER believe they are in their own beds- learned that one the hard way for sure. 

I think both philosophies are extreme reactions by people who were probably parented the opposite way and are resentful.  For the new parents of my generation, all this advice can be very confusing. We need to find balance. Do we want to raise a generation of whiny, entitled kids who don't know how to do anything without their parents help (despite reading 20 grade levels ahead)? Or would we rather go the laissez faire route and not watch our kids at all and have them end up dead in a gutter? Both bad choices.

I'm putting my phone down. No more stupid parenting articles. Follow your gut, guys. The best choices I've made as a mom have been on instinct. A good parent is simply one who is willing to learn from mistakes and do whatever works best for our families and keeps our sanity intact- whether it's hovering and doing flash cards, or zoning out on the internet or writing a blog for hours. We are all doing a great job. Even you, obnoxious FTP at the splash pad (also, you have my condolences if your kid doesn't get into QUEST in 9 years).

Four.

Hello, my name is Casey and I have four kids.
Four.
And yes, to all the old ladies in the grocery store or at Marshalls, they are all mine. And indeed, I have my hands oh so very full.
Now I didn't start off wanting to be a member of the #fourkidsclub- oh no. Ten, fifteen years ago I would have insisted my life would take a different direction, like the feminist I was raised to be by my educated, liberal parents. Sure, I'd settle down and have kids, but not until, you know, after 30 when I was established in my amazing career. Never at 23, and I certainly wouldn't have anticipated quitting (non PTO related) work to stay home with my kids. What would Gloria Steinem (or Ani DiFranco) say?? Never in a million years.

So here we are in 2015. I don't regret one thing about my last eight years spent as a full-time mom.  I've had so much fun watching my four babies grow into increasingly functional and pleasant human beings. After I had my first baby I maintained a full schedule of mommy and me classes, music programs, playgroups and storytimes. I chit chatted with other moms about boring things like car seats and cloth diapers. We drank lots of coffee. We became our stereotypes: I never did get a pair of Mom Jeans, but we sure did enjoy our "book" clubs and mom's night out (wine). We talked about our birth stories over and over and over again until we re-forgot who had a c-section and who had that amazing natural birth by the banks of a babbling brook.

Yes, there's something very special about your first Mom Friends. They are the ones you "grew up" with, much like the kids who sat with you in the cafeteria on the first day of high school, or your dorm mates in college. You make mistakes and figure out how to parent together. You never judge.

But then, something inevitable happens that separates the members of the #fourkidsclub from the other moms with more 'normal' family sizes. Slowly, the other moms stop coming to library time and start becoming fully blown Non- Mom People again. Their kids are now in school full time. They start showing up at Starbucks with a sassy sundress and heels instead of jeans and an oversized black t-shirt with spit-up stains. They can rummage through their purses without pulling out several half-eaten containers of baby food and Sophie Le Girafe. They start using four syllable words in casual conversation. They blow dry their hair. They work on their resumes...and then finally they're gone. Playdate at the park? Who does that anymore?

This is why we members of the #fourkidsclub have a special understanding. When we pass each other by in the aisles of Target with two kids strapped into the shopping cart, an infant in the front of the basket, and another child whining close behind, we give each other a silent nod of solidarity. Yes our hands are SO SO full. Yes we don't wear makeup or normal shoes anymore. Maybe only half of our kids are wearing underwear, or have brushed hair/teeth. Maybe we are eating poptarts out of the box for lunch. We know all this, and we also know we are still doing a great job. When you have more than a few kids, you know you have to let the small things go, or else you won't make it through the bigger battles (like getting them all back out of Target, through the parking lot and to the car safely).

And as far as feminism goes- and I've been hearing that term thrown around a lot these days- I maintain that I am more in touch with what it means than when I was a naive 20- year old kid listening to angry music. My marriage and large family were conscious choices. I feel happy and quite fulfilled being present for my children every day. I think I am more satisfied than most people... for now anyway. Feminism allows women to realize that we DO have that choice, and if we stay-at-home moms want to go join the ranks of those fabulously coiffed small handbag toting Non-Mom people right now or in a few years we can...or not.

So, fellow #fourkidsclub moms, next time you are in Walgreens and a judgemental naysayer comments on the size our your family (or just silently gestures the sign of the cross- my personal fav) hold your head up high! It's not easy to wrangle four (or more) kids every day, but it's worth it, especially if you are open to the wonderful experiences- and like-minded people- you will meet along the way.